A year ago, I was waiting anxiously for the arrival of my son. It had become obvious that I wasn’t going to have the birth I wanted. I knew this was a possibility, but I still had created my perfect birth plan. I had married myself to it. I felt like I had to believe in it, because if I didn’t I might fail. I failed anyway. I’m not saying that to be down on myself. I felt an overwhelming sense of disappointment and anger when I realized I was indeed going to need a c-section. I had to spend time mourning my original birth plan. I had to spend this time because I was so determined that everything was going to be perfect. My personality required that. My personality required that I be all in. My personality also requires honesty from those who are my support team, because I hate surprises. This is the story of how feeling lied to and betrayed still feels today.
I had chosen a birth center for the birth of my child. I chose it because it felt homier. It felt like a warm and safe place. I never once felt rushed in or out of an appointment. I always felt like they had my best interest at heart until they didn’t. I remember the day like it was yesterday, and it still stings. I know that many will say I should just get over it already, but it’s not that easy. The head midwife was sitting with me explaining how I could avoid a c-section. She told me the OBGYN told her that if I came over to his office he would induce me, and I could have the birth I wanted. It was after I left his office that I realized this was a HUGE lie. Every person I talked to in the birthing industry knew that the OBGYN was going to recommend a c-section before I told them. I was embarrassed.
I spent the entire week leading up to my c-section feeling angry. I cried. I screamed. My emotions were all over the place. It was hard to contain them, and I often didn’t try. The truth is though that the little lie she told me in the warmth of her office makes me slightly nervous as we start to discuss trying for #2. I’ll definitely marry myself to the plan for a VBAC. I’ll definitely want to attempt to have baby #2 at a birthing center versus a hospital. I know though that I’ll have, to be honest with new professionals about my anxiety. I’ll have to explain that I need them to be 100% honest even if they think it’s not something I want to hear. I think that is fair.
What is/was your anxiety about having a second child?